We live in stories, not in years. I forget who said that. Our lives are stories, ourselves and others are characters, we tell stories to others about what has happened to us, and about our lives, and whatever has entered our minds, our past becomes stories, and other people tell us stories. We forever tell stories in our own minds, even our dreams are stories. The stories we tell ourselves could make or break us apart. It is very much evident that the stories in our head help us make sense of our reality. Our stories help us connect with others. Through our story we experience our memory and they help us understand our past. They help us understand what we have been through, who we were then, who we are now, who we could be and who we would like to be going forward.
The stories we tell our selves, have a very important purpose. The first purpose is that stories are often reminders and they act as protection and prevention. So many of our core stories, example, " I can’t depend on anybody but myself ", where once an adaptive strategies to a terrible life plot. We didn’t come up with these stories for no reason. They are an adaptive response to less than good situation. They banish our helplessness at the time and make us able and strong when it was difficult.
But while they fit in the past, sometimes these stories may not actually fit in the present and they may also be blocking the future we could potential benefit from.
They can easily cause us to become individuals who are unable to trust, unable to connect and unable to experience closeness and intimacy because we keeps seeing the past everywhere.
Through stories we establish the similarities that we feel with others and we connect with people who are vastly different from us. Love is a story. Heartbreak is a story. Our memories are stories. When we are born, one of the first things that we do is listen to stories. They regale us because a good story is absorbing and hypnotic.
Stories find us while we get lost in them
, and that is why we must take a time to really pay attention to them. They may not be obvious in most cases but it is surely worth investigating and asking what kind of stories are we telling ourselves.
We tell stories while we introduce ourself to new people. We tell them now as we re-emerge from a long lock-down and once again connect and reconnect with others. All of social media is story telling. It is also very curated, very filtered and sometimes the story is a lie or at-least partly a lie in some way.
Sometimes the story supersedes the truth.
So, why do we tell ourselves stories? even stories that don’t serve us. Everyone of us walk around with a preconceived scripts about what things mean and why they may happen. This is a fact. It is part of being a social being, even-though it sometimes keeps us stuck.
We all have our version of this and that is what this article is focused on. Have you ever caught yourself making unfair assumptions about somebody else? Unfair assumptions are stories. Has a childhood neglect made you question whether you are worthy of attention and love? That too is a story. Have one too many bad dates make you give up on dating all together? If you answer yes to any of this, it is probably time to ask
what if you are actually trapped in your own stories?
It doesn't mean that it didn't happen, it doesn't mean that the way you remember it is not what was or that the story doesn't matter. It may all be true but a good follow up question might be how does it really serve you?
Do you often find yourself explaining why you are the way you are to someone who interprets your story as an excuse? Have you ever find yourself explaining your behaviour even to someone who has known you for many years? Have you ever been on the receiving end of that?
For example, "I can't bear watching you cry, because it makes me feel like I am personally responsible and I did something wrong". This is a good example because it is true in many relationships. Failing to recognize this balance of responsibility within our relationships can get us into the dance of managing others’ emotions. Which is impossible.
Sometimes, we may find out that the story some other person is trapped in is hurting us too. Example, "You are basically telling me don't cry because I can't handle it". Because my brother stole my toys, I can steal from others too. Because I am independent, I don't need anybody else. Because I have no time in the day, I am always late. These are all stories.
Usually when we hear our own narratives they often clash with our current beliefs about who we are and how we think others view us. We steal yet we think people who steal are morally corrupt, or we say we don't need anybody because we don't want to be disappointed. That is very different than saying we don't need anybody because we are independent.
Sure you are busy, but you are always late because you are a flake and when you are a flake on me I take it as a sign that you don't care and don't respect me and my time.
The good news is that
what we insist on persists
and instead of being stopped by old stories from seeing and trying new things, we could be writing new interesting stories and as a direct result encompass new behaviours and new interactions.
Writing new story is not just about letting go of the hero's journey that has led us to where we are now, it is about adding new pages, new sentences and new chapters to develop a new plot with new themes, lessons and settings. The writing has no limitation, we can edit it constantly, add, refine and delete and use all this beautiful tools that being the creative agency of our-lives grants us.
